A mad man’s mutterings: Valley of the dead

 Valley of the Dead 

Cast: 

Miki Esparbé as the ne’er-do-well lawyer! 

Aura Garrido  as “ Priest killer”

Luis Callejo As The Republican Militia leader !

Álvaro Cervantes as The cynical ex celebrity motorbike racer!

Jesús Carroza as Jurel The Lothario (see creep)

Sergio Torrico As Dollar General Zangief (for realz this is some crazy central casting cliché bullshit right here!!) 

María Botto as Sor Flor, The brave nun in a den of atheists

Manel Llunell as Decruz As the cowardly sidekick

Mouad Ghazouan as Rafir, The Muslim surrounded by racists!

directed by Javier Ruiz Caldera and Alberto de Toro 

Currently streaming on Netflix

Valley of the dead, or Malnazidos Is a bundle of clichés wrapped in some heavy handed political Symbolism. It’s adapted from the novel Noche de difuntos del 38 by Manuel Martín Ferreras. I am fairly fascinated to read this thing for no other reason out of curiosity to see if it manages to succeed in any of the multiple mission statements the film version fails to.

As the Spanish Civil War rages on the German bad guys unleash a diabolical plot To win the war. And since this is a zombie film we know what this is! Our baddies are using state of the art chemical warfare, A poison gas that Reanimates The recently deceased turning them into…well ..,  you know!! In fact in every way. You knew exactly what this was as soon as you pressed play and it does zero to Subvert your expectations, but plenty to offend The sensibilities of anyone even marginally empathetic. In truth The only difference Between this this then any other  zombie flick you may run a crossed Is it’s historical setting. The technology level and multiple parties involved in this war is Chock-full of storytelling potential with or without adding more Yawn of the dead nonsense! 

Having his military career and his life seemingly coming to an end A Wisecracking lawyer survives Execution only two be sent on a suicide mission behind enemy lines. During their adventure Our hero and his driver end up captured by A Republicans militia. Before too long they are all besieged by The Walking Dead and not long after that the Motley Crue are joined by a nun, A  Muslim and a A lieutenant for the Spanish Phalanx of the National Syndicalist Offensive. If this set up sounds like “ …. Walked into a bar” joke you’ll be able to suss out the heavy-handed political idealism on display here.

“What side are you on?” 

“ A little of both”

“ The war is over?”

“ we’re in a parentheses”

So yeah… We all need to get along or else the real Evil wins, but the delivery method of a zombie movie manages to lessen the ham handedness .. or more over muddy the water by wrapping it in The same old zombie shit we’ve seen 1000000000  times. 

“ people are the real monsters”

“ it doesn’t matter Who you were before the end of the world”

“Blah Blah blah”

Another drawback is The dichotomy of the peoples backgrounds mixed with time period Allows the filmmakers to really lean into a lot of regressive rhetoric. A dumb gay joke may have been the funny Dijour during this time But in 2022 it still comes off as childish and pretty fucking gross. I don’t know if the writers/directors are trying to be edge Lords or if it’s a cultural thing, But gay jokes are not funny. 

ANNNY WAYYY

So as our heroes fight Across a zombie filled battlefield calling each other gay and trading macho Rhetoric And sexually harassing anything with a pulse,

We manage to Glide into some Cold War weapons of mass destruction jibber jabbing. Apparently the Russians have a similar zombie weapon to the Germans and Blah Blah “ if we don’t use it first” pops and buzzes… as a cinematic experience in giving this film an inch they have SOOO many Miles to take and refused to miss an opportunity to To Drag you down the road of obvious politics and zombie movies greatest hits!

To be fair, it’s not all bad. I mean I want it to be. I want to hate it, but As my grandma used to say “i’m not mad at it I’m disappointed in it”. Regardless of it’s continued cringiness there’s a tiny bit of fun to be had. Miki Esparbé as the lawyer turned Reluctant soldier is a fun unlikely hero and a entertaining enough rogue. Aura Garrido’s “Priest-Killer” is everything you could ask for in a bad ass zombie killing hero. Her character is by far the most nuanced and interesting in the ensemble. I’ve only seen her in one other film, 2017’s bizarre Cold Skin, but I dig her i’m excited to see what she does and what she’s done. The zombies are a good mix of aggressive and shambling, and the final Apocalyptic showdown goes down in German base complete with trains crates of dynamite and all sorts of fun.

Unfortunately it also steers right back into Night of the living clichés. characters Sacrifice themselves, someone loses a limb to prevent the infection spreading through their body and there’s a bad guy monologue ridden transformation  that’s ripped straight out of  Overlord. I’m aware you can only do so much with the gun play between human beings and the stumbling undead but this is pretty pedestrian. In addition to being sophomoric the dialogue’s banter drolls along as if it was presented through a MCU Script emulator with the foul language filter turned off.

Buuuuut….

…… I think the films worst offense .. The thing that pissed me off the most.. The move that almost made me turn it off with less than 10 minutes left and it’s running time.. Comes when our two survivors are locked in a chamber of surrounded by zombies and our bad ass militia heroine finally succumbs to Our main protagonist charms Leading to some level of offscreen hook up as the world burns around them. Because yeah… all it’s going to take is inevitable death to loosen the pants of this hard ass human being who’s Codename Originated by avenging The rape of her sister. This is what this film thinks of it strong female character. They

Transform best character in the film to being a pixie haired prop of A fan boy wish fulfillment.

The two survive to stumble their way through an awkward unearned Romance laced goodbye that’s supposed to herald back to bogey and Bergman but plays more like the Perkins and Lee dinner scene. They try and give Garrido A bit of her shine back By driving away heroically leaving our once bombastic hero A bit of a shoveling love lorn mess but the whole thing is so weird and out of place that it’s hard to feel like any of that matters. The choice of the 

super 90s Post Tarantino style credit sequence Makes some of the Films more regressive choices even less clear. Do the filmmakers really think this is appropriate or funny or are they Tone deaf children repeating their fathers hateful politics and Rhetoric to a schoolyard audience? I don’t know and I’m not sure knowing would endear me any more or less.

Valley of the Dead champions itself as a provocative bullet train of action, horror, comedy and political allegory but never manages to slow down long enough to correctly represent any of those passengers. It’s mostly content to Mosey down the tracks of it concepts wile stopping at every Romero station only long enough to check off The appropriate locations on the well past worn cinematic trail. 

To Put it a bit less pretentiously, the comedy is not very funny the action is pretty bland the horror is nonexistent and the political statement tries to pass off “underdeveloped” as “subtlety. “

Im not upset I watched it. I’m a bit of a sucker for people with guns versus monsters. There are probably worse things to stream on Netflix on a lazy Sunday afternoon, But the filmakers do as much to betray your Goodwill as earn it. Travel through this valley at your own risk. 

Thank you for reading my stupid opinions and tolerating my terrible grammar!!! If he dug it please share!!!

Lovingly misspelled 

Marz

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